So, basically, in the last few weeks:
- I joined Reddit’s BTFC challenge. Haven’t done much for it until the last couple of days; this last week was about starting training again and feeding myself off of twenty bucks in a week.
- I got told by the coach that I’m starting to “look stocky” and need to “drop weight quickly” despite the fact that I have been consistently losing body fat since September. This, by the way, fucking sucked.
- My lifts haven’t been going up. At all. My back and left shoulder feel like they’re going to explode. I’ve maintained or lost strength despite keeping a pretty good gym schedule (even during the break, I was lifting at least three times a week).
This all came to a head last night, which lead to me getting pretty goddamn upset: shitty snatches, shitty squats, shitty everything, and then on top of that “oh BY THE WAY WE THINK YOU’RE NOT WORKING HARD ENOUGH AND YOU’RE EATING CRAP.” Which wouldn’t be such a big deal, I guess, if I wasn’t already working my ass off and watching what I put into my mouth. And there is, of course, that history of disordered eating thing. I came home after that three hour practice and barely managed to make myself eat a can of tuna.
So here’s what I’m going to do:
- I’m not going to compete in February. I still have time to change my mind, but I don’t think I want to. I’d rather focus on getting stronger for my competition in April and not feel like shit all the time. As much as I’d like to compete, I don’t think it’d be good for me right now. I have other priorities I need to focus on, and I don’t want to worry about crash-dieting for three weeks (as per the recommendation).
- I’m going to rehab the shit out of my back and shoulder this week. Stretching and mobility work has to become routine, not stuff I do when I’m bored or half-ass at the end of practice. It also can’t be stuff I only do when I’m in pain.
- I’ve got a friend coming in to stay with me for a few days this week, so I’m going to be out of the gym anyway. I’m going to take this opportunity to avoid going to practice and do some other stuff instead — running, swimming, whatever. Still gonna lift on Thursday or Friday, but not with a coach, and light sets.
- As hesitant as I’ve been to start doing something like Leangains, I’m sort of starting to eat like that anyway. I just need to make sure I’m getting adequate food and track my macros. I worked out yesterday’s numbers and I only ate about 1300 calories — not ideal when you’re coming from a 3 hour practice. If I want to be able to push myself and, yes, get leaner, I need to eat.
- Lifting is fun. I need to remind myself of that. A few unstructured lifting days working at a lower intensity might be just what the doctor ordered. Right now, I’m starting to dread going to the gym and I’m constantly beating myself up about my inability to perform. I’ve been here before, and I know where it goes, and I’m not eager to go there again. Killing myself is not the point. Becoming a good lifter is the point. Lifting has always been a very positive experience for me. I don’t want that to change.
And stuff that isn’t here nor there:
- I need to buy straps. My hands are not strong enough to do 95kg Romanian deads for sets, and I don’t pull anywhere near what I should be pulling without them.
- I’m going to start keeping track of nutrition a little bit more carefully. I’ve been living off of tuna, canned chili, and coffee for the past week and a half. Not good. Not good at all.
- I need a massage. Like… fuck.
